March 10, 2025
How to resolve disagreements especially when they are constantly re-run.
Life would be less stressful if arguments or bickering could be avoided or resolved amicably.
“You never pick up your dirty clothes”.” “You’re always late, even when I remind you how much it matters to me.”
A couple of methods I have found to be effective on occasion are, firstly the stated reason for the argument is often not the real reason for the argument “You never pick up your dirty clothes.” You have to work backwards to find the real cause and if you can do that, it saves a lot of time and frustration. “Ah yes, I was rather dismissive yesterday of her suggestion to clear out the garage”
Secondly, there are those who think compromise is the answer. I prefer validation – most of us like to feel validated – so responding with “That’s a good idea” when actually you think it’s a terrible one avoids the instant reaction of an argument and time may play it out differently to a state of mutual satisfaction.
My strategy doesn’t always work, so here are other suggestions:
Use “I” Statements:
Leading with criticism puts your spouse on the defensive and decreases their willingness to engage.
Instead of using “you” statements, which blame and point fingers, use “I” statements to share your feelings, perspective, and needs.
Research shows that “I” statements minimize hostility and defensiveness, keeping the conversation open for discussion.
For example, instead of saying, “You never listen to me,” say “I’m feeling unheard when I communicate with you.”
Be Respectful:
Maintaining respect during arguments is crucial for emotional safety in your marriage.
Respect prevents escalation and increases the likelihood of resolving conflicts and repairing the relationship.
It is a foundational element of healthy adult relationships and the opposite of contempt.
Even when feeling angry, disagreeing, or disliking your partner, always treat them with respect.
When Things Get Heated, Pause:
Take a break when emotions run high to regain composure and discuss issues calmly.
Raising your voice indicates it’s time to step away, as emotional dysregulation fuels arguments.
Arguments can trigger a stress response, making rational discussion impossible.
Inform your spouse that you need a break to calm down and think clearly. This may take 10-20 minutes or even the rest of the day.
Use this time to let your body settle and reflect on your partner’s perspective and your own feelings. Often, arguments stem from deeper issues.
Put the Brakes on Negative Communication:
Avoid negative patterns like contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling, as they can doom the relationship.
Using sarcasm or cruel language can make your spouse feel belittled. This indicates a need to reflect on what is upsetting you.
If you become defensive and justify yourself, your spouse may feel attacked, escalating the argument. Ask yourself why you feel defensive. Shutting down the conversation or leaving the room may be stonewalling. Instead of avoiding conflict, take a deep breath and choose a kinder, more respectful way to communicate.
Have Empathy:
Listen intently to your spouse and put yourself in their shoes to understand their perspective.
Empathy can halt an argument by shifting its direction, as it’s hard to argue when you understand your spouse’s distress.
Practice empathy by reflecting on what your partner said and confirming your understanding.
Acknowledge their unique experience and say, “I understand,” to promote goodwill and connection.
Pause and opt for constructive listening and communication methods to prevent escalation.
Consider They May Be Right:
Instead of arguing, try saying “you may be right” to soften the conversation and show willingness to consider your spouse’s perspective.
This phrase signals that you are open to their influence and ready to listen at a deeper level.
Valuing your spouse’s feelings and needs in decision-making helps find common ground and mutual satisfaction.
According to a study of 130 couples, sharing power and accepting some of your partner’s demands is crucial for resolving conflict and maintaining a happy marriage.
Own Your Part:
Take responsibility for your role in any conflict. It’s rarely entirely one person’s fault.
Sometimes, stepping away briefly can help you reflect on your contribution to the issue.
A sincere apology can quickly defuse an argument. Ensure it is honest and heartfelt.
For example, say, “I have been stressed and overly sensitive lately. I feel terrible about being so critical and talking to you that way. I’m really sorry for overreacting and snapping at you.”
Do Not Bring Up Past Grievances:
Avoid bringing up past grievances during arguments, especially those your partner has already apologized for.
Research shows that unresolved conflicts and lack of forgiveness contribute to unhealthy cycles of argument.
Forgiveness involves letting go of past transgressions and not using them against your spouse in future disagreements.
By refraining from revisiting the past during current conflicts, you increase your chances of resolving the issue constructively.
Don’t Take Everything Personally:
Recognize that we all have automatic negative thoughts (ANTs) that can distort our perceptions, especially in relationships.
Many of these thoughts are not accurate, particularly the negative ones.
ANTs can lead you to interpret your spouse’s behaviour as a personal attack, even when it may not be.
Question the stories you tell yourself about your spouse’s words or actions. Ask if your interpretation is absolutely true.
Often, behaviours that upset you may have nothing to do with you personally.
Avoid getting caught up in assumptions that can escalate into unnecessary arguments.
If you want to disengage from someone read our post The Grey Rock Method
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