June 18, 2024
How to disengage from someone, particularly if they are a narcissist?
A method that has become popular is grey rocking.
What is grey rocking? It is a way of disengaging with someone you don’t want to lose contact with. The theory is if you imagine a small grey rock in the palm of your hand, it’s silent, smooth and unresponsive. If you adopt the qualities of a stone, becoming impassive and bland, then you will repel the argumentative, antagonistic people in your life who are itching for conflict.
People with narcissistic personality traits or narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) are often challenging to communicate with. They lack empathy, which makes it difficult for them to understand others’ perspectives, and they have little concern for others’ emotional well-being. Their primary focus is their own gratification, and they will use any means to achieve this. As a result, interactions with narcissists often involve manipulation, being ignored, and, frequently, emotional abuse.
If the person with whom you’re interacting remains disrespectful, dishonest or manipulative, then you may be better off severing contact. But not everybody can do that immediately, especially if the relationship involves a close family member or a spouse.
The idea is that when a narcissist tries to provoke you, you disengage and remain as boring and neutral as a grey rock. Narcissistic people tend to feed off their victims’ reactions and crave attention. By employing the grey rock method, you are cutting off their “narcissistic supply,” and creating a strong boundary.
Your goal is not to react to what is being said in an overtly emotional way. This doesn’t mean that you won’t have an emotional reaction – just that you will try your best not to react with or share this. The idea is that you don’t respond reactively or try to match the narcissist’s often angry, accusatory tone; instead, you remain neutral and keep the interaction brief.
So how might you do it?
Keep your voice low, limit facial expressions, and respond in simple, short sentences.
Prepare a few statements to use if they barrage you, such as “I am not going to respond to that.”
Keep interactions brief and avoid arguing. Cut off the conversation if they become combative.
Prefer electronic communications like text or email; keep these brief and to the point. Don’t respond to texts or emails immediately; use blocking or “do not disturb” methods to avoid being overwhelmed by their communications.
However you do need to ask yourself a few questions
First, is it effective?
Second, how long can I do this before it harms me?
And third, am I working to solve the problem if I have to do this very often?
In some cases, the person you’re grey rocking might become aggravated that you aren’t speaking to them as you normally would, leading to more tension.
If you want to maintain this relationship, the V.A.R. method, which stands for Validate, Assert and Reinforce, can potentially help establish boundaries and de-escalate the situation.
Validate: “I see that this is upsetting you.”
Assert: “At the same time, this discussion is stressing me out a bit. So could we take a break and come back to it?”
Reinforce: “If we can take a little break or if you could bring your voice down a bit, I will be able to hear you better.”
f you’ve tried the grey rock method and it’s not working, consider these additional steps:
Remove yourself from the situation:
If grey rocking isn’t effective, you may need to establish no contact and remove yourself from interactions with the person entirely.
Involve outside support or authorities:
If the situation escalates to harassment or extreme behaviour, seek support from others and consider involving legal authorities for your safety.
Seek therapy or mental health support:
Consult a mental health professional for additional or ongoing help in dealing with challenging situations involving a narcissist.
Create a safety plan: If there are signs of violence, have a plan to keep yourself safe. This includes knowing how to leave a situation quickly and having a safe place to go. Consult a certified professional or counsellor for assistance in planning.
If you have your own views for dealing with such situations, please do let us know.
Read our post on how to avoid arguments
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